I don’t know if I was just too frazzled last year to notice any humor, or if my former students were simply less interesting. But I find myself laughing (or trying not to, depending on the situation) a lot more this year. Here’s a few more classroom stories if you’d like to read on…

I noticed a student rapping the Pledge of Allegiance while the rest of the class was reciting it. Complete with hand gestures, pounding his chest, and giving props to the flag. If it helps to have a mental picture, he’s a chubby little Hispanic boy who I believe had the sincerest intentions.

During Community Time, one boy was telling an elaborate story of a church event that took place at the Marietta Diner. He went into great detail about the food that was served, how many people from his church showed up, and how long the table was. He even made a point about how the waiter was surprised to see so many people. (“He saw our table and he was like, ‘Whoa!’ “) He’s a natural entertainer, and the kids were completely into it. When it was time for other students to ask questions, one boy raised his hand. I was thrilled because he’s extremely shy and kinda anti-social. Thus began the following conversation.
“What color was the man?”
Long pause. You could see the wheels turning in the story teller’s head. He gave up.
“Excuse me?”
“What color was the man?”
“Uh….you mean the waiter?”
“Uh-huh.”
“Um……” (At this point, I thought maybe I should intervene, but I’m ashamed to say, I was curious about the answer.)
“Well, he had a gray shirt with a picture of a red truck, a red hat, dark hair, kinda tan skin….”
Close one.

I decided to be ambitious and looked for a class set of a chapter book to read with one of my reading groups. Most of them hadn’t read a chapter book yet and I knew they’d be excited. I flipped through the first couple of chapters of Stone Fox. It seemed like a good choice. For days, the students read through the chapters. We were doing all sorts of activities with this story. Character analysis, motivation, author’s purpose, the works. It was quite the investment of time and energy.
The last day, we were short on time, so I decided to read the last chapter aloud so we’d have time to finish the book.
I don’t know how familiar you are with the book Stone Fox. It’s about Little Willy and his dog Searchligh who entered a race to save Grandfather’s farm with the prize money. Classic plot. The first eight chapters had been very sweet and uplifting.
So I’m reading through the final chapter. Little Willy and Searchlight are nearing the end of the race. The competitor is right behind and gaining. I’m trying to build the anticipation by practically yelling as I read,
” ‘ Go, Searchlight, go!’ Little Willy yelled. Searchlight went faster and faster, and then, ten feet away from the finish line, her heart burst…… She died instantly. There was no….suffering.”
Always, always read the ending of a story before you share it with 7 year olds.*

Julie came up to me and in one whispered breath said, “Mrs.Teague,mymomsaidthatifmybottomhurts,cuzsometimes
iforgetowipe,thatishouldcallhersoshecantakemetothedoctor.”
That was one of those times I knew I could NOT laugh.

I thought the kids were finally over the King the Fish obsession. I was cleaning his bowl while they were at art. When I refilled it, the water seemed really cold, so I left him in a little cup on my desk, assuming the kids wouldn’t notice. We only had about 20 minutes until dismissal.
The “line leader” came in the room, immediately came back to me and asked, “Where’s King?”

The kids have this weird, weird thing about touching my shoes whenever they’re sitting on the carpet. And not just one weird kid or two. It’s half the class. I never thought I would stop a lesson to whisper, “Please stop touching my shoe.” Then a moment later in a firmer whisper, “Sweetie, STOP touching my shoe.”

On the way back from a field trip, I had to fill out a form evaluating the bus driver and her performance. My seat partner was watching me as I filled it out. When I got to the comments section she asked, “what’s that mean?”
“It’s where I can say nice things about a bus driver.”
Pause.
“How about ‘she’s very pretty.’ “

During a lesson on symmetry, I drew a heart and split it across with a horizontal line. The goal was to show how if I erased the top half of the heart and drew its mirrored image on the other side of the line, it wasn’t the same shape as the pointed bottom half. (Thus disqualifying as a symmetrical line.)
The outcome is that I accidentally drew what looked like part of the female anatomy and had to erase it quickly as the new student started giggling.

*We felt so bad about Searchlight’s COMPLETELY unanticipated death that we wrote chapters of our own where she miraculously comes back to life.

Here’s possibly the first of a random compilation of some of the most humorous (and/or pitifully heartbreaking) moments yet to be experienced this year.
Here we go…..

A couple of weeks ago we were practicing our Test Behavior. The IOWA test was coming up (remember that?!?) and I was determined to get those kids trained to NOT TALK during the test. So during one of our last practices before the real thing, I was helping a student when I heard a quiet “Uh, Mrs. Teague?” to which I whirled around and gave this student The Look. Which was followed by, “Honey, if that happens again, you know you’ll have to pull a card, right?” “Yes, Ma’am.” “Okay, then. Raise your hand and I’ll call on you in a minute.” Two minutes later, I turned around to address the said student’s question and realized she was holding a handful of her own noseblood.
How none of it got on her spiritwear t-shirt is beyond my comprehension.

We were working on thank you notes to our local police station for Public Safety Week. Then this conversation happened.
Student: “Mrs. Teague, my dad’s been in jail before.”
Me (smoothly nonchalant) : “oh?”
Student: “Yeah, my mom called the police. They had a fight….they’re not married anymore.”*
(This story doesn’t sound funny at all, but you have to understand that the child said it completely matter of factly and as if this happens all the time. I was also acting like this happens all the time. The other kids who overheard had their jaws on the ground, but myself and this kid, we were cool, man.)

A student walked over to my table to show me a Presidential Biography book.
“Mrs. Teague, I know who this book is about.”
“Who?”
“George Washington.”
“You’re right.”
“I miss him…he was a good President.”

I was grading a piece of writing which included a family trip to Goody’s, where her father “bought a white beeder.”

The new girl came to school with a note from her mom, who was concerned that another student was “making fun of her.”
I brought that student up to the Teacher’s Desk, and she very calmly explained to me that she hadn’t meant to hurt anyone’s feelings. I told her to turn to the new student and say exactly to her what she told me. The student immediately broke down crying. Guilt? Shame? I’ll never really know.
This is about the third time I’ve made a student cry this year. Another incident included a student who swears he was NOT the one throwing his sandwhich on the ground in the cafeteria. (Despite eyewitness accounts.)
The third time was when a student scribbled all over her paper with a highlighter and I asked her not to do that again.

There’s one student in my class who will raise his hand everyday and wait for five minutes during breakfast time until I call on him. And everyday all he wants to tell me is, “I don’t want my milk.” Every. Day. I tell him to go ahead and throw it away and he doesn’t have to check. Doesn’t matter. It happens everyday.

I also want to take this opportunity to mention that I have one of the lowest of the Low Talkers ever known to mankind in my class this year. Not only that, she also wants to answer every question. Most class discussions end up like this.
Me “What do you think?” (or some other teacher question)
Low Talker raises her hand. I make a mental sigh, prepare and call on her.
Low Talker whispers inaudibly.
Me: “What?”
Whisper repeats but does not increase in volume.
Me: “I’m sorry hon, I canNOT hear you.”
More whispers, still much too quiet to understand.
Me:”Uh, okay, say it one more time for me?”

At this point, one of two things happen. The kids around her interrupt our little game out of exasperation and tell me what she said OR, I yell at her “SAY IT REALLY LOUD….REALLY LOUD….LOUDER THAN THAT…oh, yes you can use the restroom.”
It’s gotten so bad I’m making a point to bring it up at conferences tomorrow.

I will say this the second year has been MUCH, MUCH, calmer and generally more productive than last. Praise God!! I DO like this job!

(a Betta fish, in this case)

10. While practicing democracy, when the class was allowed to vote on names (suggested by classmates), the runners up are Rosy, Blue, and Kim. (It’s a blue fish. Not sure how Rosy was such a popular vote.) The winning name- King.*
9. The kids ask daily, “Is it a girl fish or a boy fish?” and are not satisfied with “whichever you want.” Even after being declared a boy fish, the students still take a daily, independent vote when they think teacher is not watching.
8. If teacher forgets to say, “Good Morning, King” after announcements, she is quickly reminded by at least two volunteers.
6. While building Classroom Community and practicing the delicate arts of complimenting, one child requests to give King a compliment. Said request granted, and ten more hands shoot up into the air. (The class appears to think King’s strengths include being a good swimmer and a good friend)
5. While playing Name Bingo during same said Community Time, students request to know why King’s name is missing from the Bingo cards containing the class roster.
4. At the end of the day, students are encouraged to remember the day’s activities and finish the sentence, “I had a great day because…..” Everyday, one student will wave hand enthusiastically and when called on, (by a teacher thinking, “Oh! They really had a great day for some reason! I must be a great teacher!”) will ask to go see King for a minute. Another hand up. Eventual mass exodus by class to fish bowl as they wait for their bus to be called.
3. The aforesaid Exodus to the fish bowl is the only time the shyest student in class will actually raise his hand to ask a question. Imagine a child who says very little all day whispering, “May I go see the fish?” with bright and hopeful eyes.
2. During silent reading time, students request to read to King. By some strange miracle from heaven, the fish actually swims to the edge of the bowl to look at the pictures as the kids turn the pages.
1. And finally, the #1 Reason you know your classroom is too attached to their pet:
On the way to the bus ramp last Friday, the students were very concerned that their teacher was leaving King alone for the WHOLE WEEKEND with NO FOOD. Stories of pet fish deaths ineveitably to follow throughout the remainder of the five minute bus ramp walk.

*The rejected fish name suggestions that nobody voted for except the one kid who thought of it: Becca, Rebecca (two friends suggesting names one after another here), Nemo and Roofoos.

During our unit on plants, the students planted seeds in cups (remember that?) and wrote in their plant journals their observations. Here’s some of the highlights. Consider all mistakes to be (SIC). (What does that stand for, anyway?)

The Enthusiastic Student

Date: 4/28
It’s grown a little bit. It’s very little. It’s only green yet.

Date: 5/2
My plant has grown alot. But it hasn’t grown it’s flower part yet.

Date: 5/3
My plant has a lot more than before. And I think it is going to be beautiful when it is done growing.

5/8
My plant really giant! I love it!
(Sketch on back cover: I love plants!)

The Paranoid Student

4/28
The plant is green it was going to die but I put some water in it thanks godnes it didn’t die

5/1
My plant is grown now Im happy My plant has grow because Mrs. Teague is so nice.

5/2
My plant is amost dieind but I water it in I think is not going to died becase I water it.

5/4
My plant died I think because Julie push it in up came my plant Im sad that I think is died.

5/5
My plant died because it not strong someone could brake it Im sad becase it died

5/6
My plant is grown Im so so so happy that my plant did not died

The Student You Just Want to Hug

5/28
It is growing and it is looking bueatyful and it has two leave.

5/2
I think my plant is growing a lot.

5/3
I fiel happy it ok if my plant ripped.

5/4
I feel mine is growing a lot.

5/5 I think mine is really growing.

5/8
My plant died.