There’s this guy that I’ve run into a number of times on the street. He never thinks twice about coming up to me [Josh] and giving me his little act. Here goes…

—- Two months ago. —-

Man: [Walking with me down the street] “Hey, hey, how’s it going? What’s happenin’ man?”
Me: “Not too much, thanks.”
Man: “Hey, those are some nice shoes. You know what? I bet I can tell you where you got those shoes?”
Me: “Oh yeah? Where?”
Man: “You got ‘em on your FEET!”
Me: “Oh you got me good. Thanks. Listen, sorry but I’ve gotta run.”

—- Three weeks later. —-

[Same guy, same act. Me alone again. Story picks up at the "shoes" question]

Me: [laughing to myself]
Man: “Hey don’t laugh, don’t laugh, don’t — I can tell you where you got your shoes!”
Me: “I can to. I got ‘em on my feet.”
Man: [bewildered. an "oh-my-goodness-whoops-i've-played-this-guy-before" look on his face] “Ok, Ok, Ok, here’s another one. What’s the best nation in the world?”
Me: “Hmm…. best nation. I don’t know, what’s the best nation in the world?”
Man: [Silly grin on his face now -- "Got him!"] “Donation — thats the best nation”
Me: “Thanks, but I have no cash with me. Sorry.”

—- Last week. —-

[Lauren with me this time. I see him walking up to us. Oh boy. The man goes through his act.]

Me: “On my feet!” (Wham!)
Man: [bewildered]
Me: “I know… Donation (Bam!). And hey I’ve got one for you this time.”
Man: [_really_ confused look on his face]

*At this point my mind went blank as I tried to remember this little joke that Lauren’s dad used to tell — the perfect would-be retort for this guy on the street.

Me: [nudging lauren] “What is it?”
Lauren: [looking at man] “I bet I can tell you how many kids your dad had.”
Man: [totally confused] “How many?”
Me: “None. Your dad didn’t have any. Your mom did.” [smiles -- success!]
Man: “what?”
Me: [repeat punchline]
Man: “Hey that’s not funny man, my mother is dead.”
Lauren and I: [oh no, he think this is a "mom joke" -- ABORT! ABORT!]
Me: “Sorry man we gotta go, take it easy.”

So thats it . . . the same guy on the street walking with me/us each time down the sidewalk with the same act. We thought we’d have our turn, and we took it — but he thought we were making fun of his mother when we were really only just stating a fact. Alas!

Well, I’ve been here for one month as of today. Happy One Month Living in San Francisco Anniversary to me!

My idea is to post about some of the colorful characters I’ve seen around the city.*

There’s the Balance Guy. He stands perfectly still on a crate, box, or on his head on a bottle. He’s actually quite good. He only moves his hand to shake his tip cup so you know his goal.

The Ho Guy. He dresses up in a Zebra Suit- not like an actual zebra, that could be funny. No, a ‘business’ suit made of fake zebra skin. He shouts “Ho!” over and over all day, pointing to ladies walking by. He also has a tip cup. But I’m willing to guess his may contain spit or threat notes.

The Bush Guy. He dresses like a bush near the Wharf. On my FIRST day here, Josh and I noticed a crowd of people staring towards us. We also saw an older lady being helped to her feet. Assuming we were not the focus of the stares, but rather the fallen elderly, we jumped as a ‘bush’ reached out and grabbed Josh’s arm. The crowd erupted into laughter. Meanies.

There was the guy who rode his bike down the sidewalk yelling “Wheeeeeee” as he coasted down the hill. A grown man. Probably in his forties.

We also saw Bill Clinton. For real. With about 8 security men around him, earpieces and all. He was eating ice cream. We found out he was in town for Pride Day.

(Actually, to be honest, I saw the back of his head. I think I almost ran into him, but was talking to Jen Van Hill. Jeremy was the one who recognized what was going on and yelled to us “That’s Bill Clinton!” One of the security guys turned around to stare Jeremy down and make sure he was unarmed.)

But the Winner for all weird things I have seen in this city- including the ones I didn’t mention- is…. Walgreens Girl.
There was a girl paying at the Walgreens counter who was wearing a tank top, flip flops, and her underwear. Yes, that’s right, her underwear.
It was like being in someone’s nightmare where they dream they forgot to put on their pants before going out in public. Except that she appeared to be wide awake and unabashed. WEIRDO. and Winner.

And although we didn’t see the last event, it’s worth a mention. And does involve on of the five senses.
One thing I have learned this month: How to Identify the Smell of Marijuana.
I’m not trying to show off how sheltered I am, but- I am.
And I hadn’t really known for sure what it smells like before this city. Now, not only can I identify it, I’m actually very good at it. I could be an undercover cop and would have made tens of arrests by now.
Last night, it was so bad in our apartment- yes our apartment, my supposed sanctuary from all these weird, and illegal- we had to call the front desk. One of our neighbors was being irresponsible and the overwhelming smell was coming through the vents.
So I guess they win for Weirdest Neighbors.

As you can see, it’s been an entertaining month. Let’s see what July holds.

*My guilt issue is that I truly believe some of the most coloful characters I’ve seen are ill and need professional help. So I stuck to people that I think are just silly/crazy, not actually crazy/crazy. (But if you want to know the others, let me know. I’ll rock your world.)